A Bug's Life No More.

I'm beginning to wonder if I am in fact a bad person. Bad things keep happening to me...I guess maybe I should clarify, or at the very least, keep things in perspective. I don't mean bad in that I've lost an appendage or I've been through some alien-cannibalpocalypse, I guess I mean bad in the sense that bad things keep happening to me in my apartment. The lock (did I tell you about that one???), the leak, and now...the ants.

I got off work as per usual on Monday nights (at 11..) and decided to go have an after work drink with my friend. For some reason we lucked out, only had to pay for 1 drink and got 3 free! Great! It was getting late and I figured I should get home, but not before getting something to eat, so I stopped at my "favorite" 24-hour diner to get some sustenance, where I got some free onion rings! HOORAY! I then started making my way back home, via a cab.

I noticed how strangely beautiful it was out, not hot, not chilly, though slightly muggy, with a light fog hanging in the air. I made it back to my apartment in no time it seemed, where my roommate and his visiting brother were still awake, watching t.v. I was very excited. Not only did I get free onion rings, I was about to enjoy them while watching television. Why oh why did I ever have to go into my room though!? I went to put my purse down and take my shoes off when I noticed the floor seemed to be moving. Not seeming to recall having taken any PCP earlier in the evening, I decided to investigate...

ANTS. There was a large group of creepy crawly ants crawling around my room. In my space. Where I sleep and occasionally pretend to exercise. I immediately started to curse. And stomp. And yell. And stomp. And stomp...and stomp some more. My roommate and his brother, alerted by my slight noise and stomp-making, inquired as to what was the matter "THERE ARE A FUCK-TON OF ANTS IN MY FUCKING ROOM" I purred, gently. As ladies do. They then observed there were ants out in the living room (edit: what? Living Room? I am 87 years old) also. How we had all missed them before, if there was a before (what? That didn't really make sense) (edit: it sill doesn't make sense), is beyond me. All I know is that they weren't there before I left for work, but now they were...

Angry, hungry, and upset that my good luck had run out, roommate and I traveled to Duane Reade for some bug killer. Which we got. In lemon-scented 'kills on contact' and trap form.

Now, as you might recall, I recently had a leak problem in my closet causing me to take most things out of it. These most things were in the middle of my room, or I guess as the ants thought of it, home base. I think I'm going to be burning all of my clothes now. I can't live knowing that some damn, dirty ant had its grubby little arm-legs all over it. Anyway, I apologize now (though I should have in the beginning) for the disjointedness if there is any in this post. It's almost 4 in the morning and I'm still awake. Terrified the ants are coming to get me...mostly I'm just scared they are in my bed. Waiting. I didn't see any and I sprayed enough Raid around my bed to kill...well, a human and some ants, but who knows. I feel like they're crawling all over me. It's awful. I wish I could catch a break!! (Edit: this sounds melodramatic)

Oh you know what one of the worst parts about this is??? We can't even tell we're they're coming from. At first we thought it was roommate's window, but it's not. I can't see in my room where they're coming from, but either way, it sure makes me pissssseedddd offffff. Also, since they were under my bed, I vacuumed and sprayed a lootttt underneath, but now I can't reach anything underneath there for fear of turning into a mutant insect killer can or something. Which sucks because my journal's there and I could have easily just written about this in there instead of a writing a pointless, and probably boring blog post. I guess the joke's on you?? I don't know...(Edit: Nope, still don't know)

But the long and short of it is, I guess, this: We've stopped them (for now) and I might be getting a bug bomb tomorrow just in cases. I don't want to leave any stone unturned! Because if you do, it's the one you need the most. (Edit: I literally do not remember typing this last paragraph. No, I wasn't drunk. I think I was exhausted and high of Raid fumes.) You know I'm right. God I'm tired. Also, I'm listening to the Carpenters.. And I'm sure there are 4 mil-yawn errors, typos, etc., but I just don't think I can make myself care. (I tried to fix some, but I'm still very tired).

Stays Mainly In The Plain...

One thing I find interesting about New York is that only the strong survive.

Okay, I don't actually believe that, it's just, lately, with all this rain, and after I saw Hanna, I keep finding myself saying (in that weird, German-ish accent, obvs) Adapt or Die!!! Which seems really fitting. I've never really been bothered by rain until I moved into my current apartment that I did not realize had its own Niagara Falls built into my closet. After much back and forth between James Caan's voice in Misery come to life (erm..my building manager) it was finally fixed. But with every rain and, yes, heavy snow, I was terrified the Dam would break and my precious wardrobe of fine Gap and Old Navy separates would be ruined (that's not entirely true, I have some nice things. From H&M and Banana Republic (Thanks, mom!)). It seemed to persevere, though. Like a...something that...perseveres through..rainstorms. Yeah, that's the ticket! Well, that is, it was fine until several hours ago...

I got home from work at about 10, ate some dinner, watched t.v. with my roommate and decided to go to bed. I couldn't sleep, so I was pretty much just rolling around in bed. My go to for when I can't sleep? When I heard the rain picking up a little bit outside. It's been raining pretty hard all day so I didn't really think anything of it when I began to hear a slight plastic sound coming from my right. From my closet. "NO." I thought out loud using my normal person voice. I waited a moment more thinking the rain might be hitting my window awkwardly. Yet it continued and I jumped out of bed, switching my lamp on. The first thing I noticed was an old HSN envelope (from something my mom sent me, ok!?) I didn't know was even in my closet dangling near the edge about to fall on my rubbermaid towel container. "NO!" I said again, aloud. I reached for a towel and mopped up the liquid quickly. Maybe I just have a bottle of booze I left up here and forgot about and it just broke somehow and yeah, it's definitely not rainwater, right? I thought. Wrong, brain. WRONG. I then tried to get what seemed in the immediate path of destruction out of the closet---scarves, laundry basket full of ill-fitting jeans (we've all got one, right?) and black dresses and other black clothing (I color-code my closet because that's what normal people do). Then I began to angry whisper at my closet. I don't know if you've ever seen my angry whisper...you probably haven't. I'm sure it's really frightening. I probably shouldn't admit to doing it, but Hey, sometimes angry whispering is all a girl has to hold on to. Lao Tzu said that. No he didn't.

After several minutes of this, I thought it best to go and get a pot, or a dish, or some sort of water receptacle, which I did, and place it under the leak. I sat down on my bed and stared. And listened. It was a bit like an old Disney cartoon where it's not funny, it's just extraordinarily sad. Like when that cartoon animal family has only that one bean to serve the whole family and dad's slicing it so thin. Or like a cartoon animal bum who has holes in his shoes, but is a really good Shakespearean actor...that shit's not funny, it's sad as hell. I guess I'm not necessarily comparing my life to those cartoons, all I'm saying is, I have to work early in the morning and I just can't understand why my closet is leaking again and it's going to rain all week so I don't really know what to do, and it's April! Helloooo, April showers! Those fucking flowers in May better be the most beautiful blooms I've ever seen or I will punch Mother Nature in her dirty hippie face. Which brings me back to my original point, why did I ever get rid of my rain boots?! Sure they had a hole in them, but that's nothing gorilla glue or duct tape wouldn't have fixed!!

UGH. I don't know if I finished all my thoughts in there, but you get the idea. Maybe. Unless you think those old depressing Disney cartoons are funny.