Okay, I don't actually believe that, it's just, lately, with all this rain, and after I saw Hanna, I keep finding myself saying (in that weird, German-ish accent, obvs) Adapt or Die!!! Which seems really fitting. I've never really been bothered by rain until I moved into my current apartment that I did not realize had its own Niagara Falls built into my closet. After much back and forth between James Caan's voice in Misery come to life (erm..my building manager) it was finally fixed. But with every rain and, yes, heavy snow, I was terrified the Dam would break and my precious wardrobe of fine Gap and Old Navy separates would be ruined (that's not entirely true, I have some nice things. From H&M and Banana Republic (Thanks, mom!)). It seemed to persevere, though. Like a...something that...perseveres through..rainstorms. Yeah, that's the ticket! Well, that is, it was fine until several hours ago...
I got home from work at about 10, ate some dinner, watched t.v. with my roommate and decided to go to bed. I couldn't sleep, so I was pretty much just rolling around in bed. My go to for when I can't sleep? When I heard the rain picking up a little bit outside. It's been raining pretty hard all day so I didn't really think anything of it when I began to hear a slight plastic sound coming from my right. From my closet. "NO." I thought out loud using my normal person voice. I waited a moment more thinking the rain might be hitting my window awkwardly. Yet it continued and I jumped out of bed, switching my lamp on. The first thing I noticed was an old HSN envelope (from something my mom sent me, ok!?) I didn't know was even in my closet dangling near the edge about to fall on my rubbermaid towel container. "NO!" I said again, aloud. I reached for a towel and mopped up the liquid quickly. Maybe I just have a bottle of booze I left up here and forgot about and it just broke somehow and yeah, it's definitely not rainwater, right? I thought. Wrong, brain. WRONG. I then tried to get what seemed in the immediate path of destruction out of the closet---scarves, laundry basket full of ill-fitting jeans (we've all got one, right?) and black dresses and other black clothing (I color-code my closet because that's what normal people do). Then I began to angry whisper at my closet. I don't know if you've ever seen my angry whisper...you probably haven't. I'm sure it's really frightening. I probably shouldn't admit to doing it, but Hey, sometimes angry whispering is all a girl has to hold on to. Lao Tzu said that. No he didn't.
After several minutes of this, I thought it best to go and get a pot, or a dish, or some sort of water receptacle, which I did, and place it under the leak. I sat down on my bed and stared. And listened. It was a bit like an old Disney cartoon where it's not funny, it's just extraordinarily sad. Like when that cartoon animal family has only that one bean to serve the whole family and dad's slicing it so thin. Or like a cartoon animal bum who has holes in his shoes, but is a really good Shakespearean actor...that shit's not funny, it's sad as hell. I guess I'm not necessarily comparing my life to those cartoons, all I'm saying is, I have to work early in the morning and I just can't understand why my closet is leaking again and it's going to rain all week so I don't really know what to do, and it's April! Helloooo, April showers! Those fucking flowers in May better be the most beautiful blooms I've ever seen or I will punch Mother Nature in her dirty hippie face. Which brings me back to my original point, why did I ever get rid of my rain boots?! Sure they had a hole in them, but that's nothing gorilla glue or duct tape wouldn't have fixed!!
UGH. I don't know if I finished all my thoughts in there, but you get the idea. Maybe. Unless you think those old depressing Disney cartoons are funny.
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